Posted in anxiety, blog, depression, emotions, life, moods, post a day, suicide, thoughts, writing

Third Wave: Settled. 

I’ve said this before and meant it at the time but today…today was so hard. 

I am unemployed. Again. I’d rather not explain it but I can say I didn’t do anything wrong. I can admit that I’m not perfect but I gave it everything I could and it didn’t work out. 

Because of that, I had a mental breakdown. I screamed, I cried. I called for my boyfriend to help me and he did his best but it wasn’t helping. 

I can truly say there was a point where I looked at the river just past the guard rail on the side of the road and smiled just knowing at any point that I could jerk my wheel over and be done with everything. 

Breaking my back trying to prove myself, motivating myself to smile even when every inch of me is crumbling, giving 1000% of myself to do what I need to do even when I barely have anything to get out of bed in the morning. 

I smiled. I thought about killing myself and the only reaction that came to my mind was to smile. 

With that being said, I really can’t tell you what made me push aside my pride and anxiety and pull up to the counselors office we have in town. 

I walked in and contrary to me knowing I could care less right now, smiling at death, I asked for help. 

I explained that I had spent my last dollar this morning, I had no health insurance and that I was crumbling. 

At a time where I could have been turned away, kicked in the teeth and ignored, they said okay. 

A stranger gave me almost an hour of their time, talked to me, offered me every piece of advice they could and stopped me from crying. 

Today has taught me that if there’s anything left in the world to be grateful for, I am grateful for them. I am grateful for my boyfriend. I am so unbelievably grateful that I feel like I’m going to cry again so with that being said, I need to end this blog here and breathe. 

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Author:

Drowning minds & sketching fingers.

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