Posted in 2017, blog, happiness, lessons, life, love, mental health, Uncategorized

Changing Lives.

Over the past 6 months I have, not only experienced things that have helped make me into a better person, but have also helped me take steps to work towards personal, emotional and mental success. 

I decided, after Lord knows how long, to download the WordPress app again and share some of these experiences. Even if I may be the only one to read it. 

First of all, this past summer was the first step in realizing life doesnt always have to be so mundane and repeditive; that good things are still possible. Now, I’m talking about the good things that would happen when I was younger and I’d practically be tearing open at the seams with pure joy.  That kind of good. 

Basically, what had happened was I managed to join a group of people set out to help local children and adults in the community, known as Keystone SMILES AmeriCorps and they provided me with the opportunity to be a counselor at a week long childrens summer camp for the first time. 

Now for someone with pretty solid anxiety about trying new things and exiting my comfort zone I remained excited about this the entire way through and left camp with incredible experiences, great stories and a few good friends too. This experience actually managed to clarify what I wanted to do with my life, pertaining to my future career. Aka, a teacher!

This experience also led to a few more realizations for me. One of which being the fact that there is no way that I can remain happy without challenging myself and even more so, leaving my home. So, because of this I created a bucket list. 

This list is scattered with plans for the time between now and the next 5 years but all of them play a pretty massive role in my life. Whether it be going to therapy, which I have my second appointment for tomorrow afternoon, or saving money. ($150.00 so far!) 

Moral of this story, take risks, experience life. Strive for more! 

Wish me luck!

♡until next time. 

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Posted in 2017, blog, blog topics, life, love, thoughts

To Be Loved…

I can’t imagine the joy people feel when being loved without condition. 

To not question seems like an impossible task. Feeling less then worth it feels devastating. 

How does someone offer up all that they are to someone they’ve only known for a small amount of their lives? 

How do you put faith in another human being when you’ve been tailored to tend to yourself? 

What is it like to sink into another person and feel safe? 

What does it feel like to be the only girl in the room just from a look? 

How do you know it’s real? 

How do you know how to be loved?

Posted in 2017, advice, blog, blog topics, lessons, life, thoughts

22 Things.

When I go on a date with someone for some reason I always feel the need to ask them what they’re hopes and dreams are. 

I ask them and they list it out for me then return the question. I always seem to have this elaborate 5 year plan ready to go. 

Save my money, buy my first home, hopefully a new car somewhere along the way. To be in a good relationship, to be happy. It really doesn’t seem like alot.

But now that I think about it I would’ve had this dream when I was 18 as well which would now be almost 5 years ago. Since I think the only thing that has come true from that is being in a relationship I decided to instead make a list of 22 things I’ve learned in the last 5 years. Enjoy. 

  1. No one is in control of your life except for you. 
  2. You can’t expect anything to change by sitting and waiting. 
  3. It is NOT a good idea to fuck up your taxes. This goes along with the fact that if you’re in college and not paying towards your loans yet-you still need to file for school. 
  4. “Not every sexual encounter should make you feel like you were taken advantage of.” It really messes with your mental health. 
  5. Never take an overnight (nights) trip by yourself. 
  6. Always say what you mean. 
  7. Be an ear, you never know when someone may need it. 
  8. Don’t talk shit. Karma is not only a bitch but she’s also pretty quick to retaliate. Sorry karma. 
  9. EVERY choice you make effects you in the long run and you never know how it’ll work out but your chances are higher if your choices are good. 
  10. Denim shirts don’t look good on me. Tucked in or out its just bad. 
  11. Your time is precious. Don’t waste it on anyone that doesn’t want it. 
  12. Decluttering is an extremely useful form of therapy. 
  13. Don’t take anything for granted because you never know when you won’t have it anymore. With that being said, if you lose it-don’t dwell. All that hurts is you. 
  14. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. You’ve spent your entire life figuring out who that is. 
  15. Don’t neglect your dentist. Brushing and flossing doesn’t fix everything. 
  16. Memories are important. Put your damn phone away. 
  17. Your mom is your best friend. 
  18. Make sure your arguments are worth it. 
  19. Face wash is very good body wash in times of crisis. 
  20. Adults pee their pants too. No shame. 
  21. Don’t argue about how you look. You’ve had years of seeing yourself a certain way, someone else could be seeing you through rose colored glasses. 
  22. Rough days don’t mean a rough life. You’ve got plenty of time left.
Posted in 2017, blog, blog topics, life, society

People Love Struggle.

People Love struggle. 

That’s almost the same as people love drama. 

The difference is that struggle is what can break a person down and leave them feeling raw.

Drama is more simple, people saying or doing things to get a rise out of someone. 

Struggle is life, drama is social. 

Now with the differences written out I will reiterate;

People love struggle. 

Whether someone admits it or not they will get an odd fascination from looking at struggles. 

Whether it be a post on Facebook or a friend that you keep around because they struggle which is when drama comes in. 

It’s a fascination. That’s not to say people enjoy it, they just don’t know what to do without it. 

But with that also being said people also like watching others overcome struggle because with out over coming something there is no motivation for anything. 

Posted in 2017, anger, blog, blog topics, emotions, frustration, life, love, moods, relationships, self worth, thoughts

Arms Length. 

Have you ever been in a relationship where you were kept at arms length?

Close enough so they know you’re there but far enough that you’re just holding on by a thread. 

Where going to visit is mostly going to end with you going home. 

Where the closest thing you get to romantic was your first date and maybe a text or two. 

Where everything else seems like a burden because you have to ask for it. 

Where you sit here wondering when it’s going to end because you know it will eventually. 

When you sit and wonder why you’re still doing it when you have a tattoo forever on your arm as a reminder of how enough you are. 

Telling yourself that you’ve done this before and it wasn’t right then so why is it suddenly okay now. 

Beating yourself up for letting it happen and getting played. 

Made to think that you are important but only being given enough that only makes you somewhat question why the fuck you’re still sitting here. 

What’s stopping you from leaving? You have your shoes on, you’re on your second ciggarette and your coat is on your lap but you’re still fucking sitting here. 
I wrote this blog about a week ago and at the time these were my thoughts. Since then I have built up the courage to share my concerns and figured everything out but I still wanted to post this as a reminder to myself since this has happened to me multiple times even though it doesn’t need to. 

I do not owe anyone my time if they so clearly don’t want it. 

Posted in 2017, blog, blog topics, emotions, life, love, poem, post a day, relationships, self worth, thoughts, writing

The Girl That Floats.

One day you will meet a girl.
To you this girl will seem as if she drifts through her day, floats almost.
You will watch her break down in front of everything that challenges the path she chose to take.

She will crumble into her hardships.
You will be dismayed.

One day you will meet the same girl.
To you this girl will seem as if she drifts through her day, floats almost.
You will watch her break down everything that challenges the path that she chose to take.

She will be resistant to struggle.
You will be enamored.

One day you will meet the girl again.
To you this girl will seem as if she drifts into your life, floats almost.
You will watch her breakdown everything that challenges the path you chose to take.

She will be abetting.
You will be indebted.

One day a girl will meet you.
To this girl you will seem as if you drift through your day, float almost.
She will watch you rise above everyone that crosses the path you chose to take.

She will be enabling.
You will be apathetic.

One day you will meet a girl.
One day this girl will drift out of your life, float almost.
She will leave you discarded on the path you chose to take.

She will be unburdened.
You will be humbled.

Posted in 2017, anxiety, blog, blog topics, depression, emotions, health, life, post a day, suicide, thoughts, writing

Traveling Realizations

So I just got done reading an amazing post by Thisisyouth titled Nepal 54: Anxiety Takes hold and it really got me thinking. Before reading this post I would consider whether or not a change of scenery would help my mind and the feelings and emotions that I have on a daily basis. Upon reading this incredibly well written post I’ve discovered that a change of scenery isn’t always a “fix all” for life. 

Honestly I really should have known this when I, the girl who struggles with getting out of her car in parking lots because of anxiety, decided to book a Motel in Pittsburgh for a job that I was 100% unqualified and unemotionally prepared for because doing so led to a previous post of mine, Death Without Dying

Now I know that alot of my blogs are somewhat dark but incase you don’t know me, my name is Emily and this is important. 

Your mental health is so important. I really can’t stress that enough. The bad part about your mental health is the fact that it is mental as in, regardless of where you are or who you’re with, it will always be there. 

You could get sick, that’s environmental. You could lose faith, that’s religious. But if you’re like me even in the slightest you know that if your life is crashing around you- a change of seating won’t fix it. 

I learned an extremely important lesson today. I learned that even if your world is falling because of your mental health mixed with everyday struggles and you’ve done everything you possibly could to change it except analyze your own mental stability, NOTHING will change.

If you aren’t willing to put all of your cards on the table, or ask for help like I did then nothing will change. 

I’m more than aware that putting aside my pride and asking for help today won’t fix everything but it helped. It helped a hell of alot more then jumping into the next situation blindly. More than uprooting my life for 4 days, trapped in a 10×10 room afraid to leave and deathly afraid to stay. 

Incase you haven’t noticed I’m not one to sit still but hopefully this will mean something coming from someone who is restless, full of anxiety and struggling with hardships for years (more recently the past month.)

Sit down. 

Stop exactly where you are and sit down. Breathe. Think. Feel. 

Get it out before it destroys you from the inside because your mental health is so, extremely, unbelievably IMPORTANT.


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I need to add this here because I’m thankful to have found the post that led to this blog. Thank you very much for allowing me to have the opportunity to read your blog, thank you for liking my previous post and thank you for allowing me to reference you in this one. 

-Emily