Have you ever been in a relationship where you were kept at arms length?
Close enough so they know you’re there but far enough that you’re just holding on by a thread.
Where going to visit is mostly going to end with you going home.
Where the closest thing you get to romantic was your first date and maybe a text or two.
Where everything else seems like a burden because you have to ask for it.
Where you sit here wondering when it’s going to end because you know it will eventually.
When you sit and wonder why you’re still doing it when you have a tattoo forever on your arm as a reminder of how enough you are.
Telling yourself that you’ve done this before and it wasn’t right then so why is it suddenly okay now.
Beating yourself up for letting it happen and getting played.
Made to think that you are important but only being given enough that only makes you somewhat question why the fuck you’re still sitting here.
What’s stopping you from leaving? You have your shoes on, you’re on your second ciggarette and your coat is on your lap but you’re still fucking sitting here.
I wrote this blog about a week ago and at the time these were my thoughts. Since then I have built up the courage to share my concerns and figured everything out but I still wanted to post this as a reminder to myself since this has happened to me multiple times even though it doesn’t need to.
I do not owe anyone my time if they so clearly don’t want it.
So, I know I’m only 22 but I feel like I’ve reached a trial and error point in my life. Everything I do and every job I get I don’t feel happy. I don’t feel like it’s what I want and I want to leave. To put it in perspective this is my 3rd day working for this company and those are the thoughts I’m having.
Granted I’ve only quit quickly once before this and then ended up having a mental breakdown but I don’t want to do it again. I don’t want to feel like a failure for the 2nd time in barely a month.
BUT with that being said I also don’t want to feel stuck and unhappy anymore.
Now, this post started as a sob story but it turned into somewhat of a success story because thankfully my boss could see the “I quit” splattered across my face and pulled me aside.
She sat and talked to me for about 10 or so minutes, I can’t honestly remember what she said but I think the fact that someone actually cared and was willing to use their time to help me get through mine.
So now, the time when I thought I would be bawling in my car, I am calm. I still feel unsure but not to the point of making rash decisions.
Which in all honesty is better then nothing.
I’m having trouble today.
Life is being disrupted, debris is slowly being pushed up the shore.
Everything that’s getting to me right now based on my Remaining Positive post, are miniscule problems that I’ll forget about sooner than later.
But, right now. Considering my current predicament, they are massive.
They are massive and I’m having a very hard time keeping a positive head about it.
I know it will work out and I know I’m the mean time I will have help but it’s the dawn of these issues that are raising my stress level to a 7 out of 10.
I could even bring up my Make More Mistakes post and say that mistakes are great, unless someone’s telling you that you made one while dealing with something that already gives you anxiety and frustration. My suggestion is to not add anger to the mix.
So, once again, I’m here giving out advice that I struggle with following. Like I’ve said though, it’s not a switch you can flip. It won’t happen over night.
But I sure as Hell wish it did.