Posted in 2017, anxiety, blog, blog topics, depression, emotions, health, life, post a day, suicide, thoughts, writing

Traveling Realizations

So I just got done reading an amazing post by Thisisyouth titled Nepal 54: Anxiety Takes hold and it really got me thinking. Before reading this post I would consider whether or not a change of scenery would help my mind and the feelings and emotions that I have on a daily basis. Upon reading this incredibly well written post I’ve discovered that a change of scenery isn’t always a “fix all” for life. 

Honestly I really should have known this when I, the girl who struggles with getting out of her car in parking lots because of anxiety, decided to book a Motel in Pittsburgh for a job that I was 100% unqualified and unemotionally prepared for because doing so led to a previous post of mine, Death Without Dying

Now I know that alot of my blogs are somewhat dark but incase you don’t know me, my name is Emily and this is important. 

Your mental health is so important. I really can’t stress that enough. The bad part about your mental health is the fact that it is mental as in, regardless of where you are or who you’re with, it will always be there. 

You could get sick, that’s environmental. You could lose faith, that’s religious. But if you’re like me even in the slightest you know that if your life is crashing around you- a change of seating won’t fix it. 

I learned an extremely important lesson today. I learned that even if your world is falling because of your mental health mixed with everyday struggles and you’ve done everything you possibly could to change it except analyze your own mental stability, NOTHING will change.

If you aren’t willing to put all of your cards on the table, or ask for help like I did then nothing will change. 

I’m more than aware that putting aside my pride and asking for help today won’t fix everything but it helped. It helped a hell of alot more then jumping into the next situation blindly. More than uprooting my life for 4 days, trapped in a 10×10 room afraid to leave and deathly afraid to stay. 

Incase you haven’t noticed I’m not one to sit still but hopefully this will mean something coming from someone who is restless, full of anxiety and struggling with hardships for years (more recently the past month.)

Sit down. 

Stop exactly where you are and sit down. Breathe. Think. Feel. 

Get it out before it destroys you from the inside because your mental health is so, extremely, unbelievably IMPORTANT.


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I need to add this here because I’m thankful to have found the post that led to this blog. Thank you very much for allowing me to have the opportunity to read your blog, thank you for liking my previous post and thank you for allowing me to reference you in this one. 

-Emily


Posted in 2017, advice, blog, blog topics, health, life, moods, post a day, thoughts

Anxiety in Numbers.

I know alot of people struggle with anxiety and because of that I wanted to offer some advice that works for me. 

I usually feel anxiety during every day situations. Making phone calls(odd that I’m currently working in a call center type job as of Tuesday), going into larger stores or things even as simple as getting out of my car when I arrive where ever I need to be. 

There are 3 things that I usually try to get through these situations and i hope 1 or all of these can help someone else that struggles with anxiety. 

1. Relate to Your Surroundings.

I know that most of the reason I feel anxious is because of being in a situation that I’m not used to or comfortable with. The first thing that helps me is finding something relatable in these uncomfortable situations. This can be as complicated as a person or an object or as simple as a color or shape. 

For instance, you walk into a new place and the first thing you see is a clock, if you can relate to it, focus on it. Or if someone speaks like a friend or relative, focus on them/talk to them. Look for anything that would make you more comfortable. 

2. Comfort in Numbers. 

The next thing that works for me is counting on my fingers. You don’t have to be obvious about this and hold your hand up and count your fingers out loud but it still makes a difference. Hold your hand at your side and tap your thumb against your other 4 fingers keeping count up to 4. I don’t know if you’ve ever used or heard the phrase “take it 10 seconds at a time” but this is basically the same thing. It keeps your mind distracted by preoccupying your hands and head and before you know it the situation will be over or you’ll feel more calm about being in that situation. 

3. Mental Ipod. 

Sing to yourself. Simple as that. Pick your favorite song/songs and replay them in your head. Focus on the words and the music in the background. One main part of my anxiety is being too focused on what’s causing the anxiety and this clears my head without actually clearing my head. This can also be considered a relatable coping skill. 

I hope these ideas can help someone that has been reading my blogs or is a new reader. 

If you feel that there is anything I missed, advice of your own or success stories if you’ve tried any of these anxiety coping skills please feel free to comment. 
Featured image from Quotes to Inspire

Posted in 2017, blog, blog topics, clueless, employment, health, life, mistakes, post a day, thoughts

Up All Night, Sleep All Day. 

This blog is obvious. This blog is about my being up until 8am with a restless Mind watching The Path on Hulu. 

I seemed to rationalize why I was up. First it was because of a phone conversation that got me upset. Granted I was already upset prior to that conversation. Once the clock read 3am I told myself, well, if you just stay up then maybe you can stay up long enough to get your sleeping habits back on track. Ie. Be in bed at around 9pm and wake up in the morning like a normal person. 

Contrary to this failing every other time I’ve tried I disregarded that fact. Probably lack of sleep causing delusional thinking. 

I’ve always had trouble sleeping but I did eventually get back on track. My last job was one where I had to be in bed by 11pm and up at 7am no matter what but since loosing said job it only took me 2 weeks to start sleeping until noon again. 

Soon the clock read 9am and I could feel myself falling asleep. It’s that kind of tired where you hardly even notice your eyes closing and the hand that was holding your phone falling towards your chest. I was out. 

It is now 9pm and I’ve been up for an hour. So with that being said, I apologize for my boring blog today.

Posted in 2017, blog, blog topics, employment, happiness, health, life, moods, negative, post a day, quotes, self esteem, self worth, thoughts

Pessimistic Silver Linings

I’m gonna share another bad habit that I have. That habit is using “pessimistic silver linings” to try and make myself feel better. 

I actually thought of one earlier so I’ll use that as an example. My new job is about 40 minutes away from my house. The last job I had is half way between my Mom’s house and my Grandma’s house. I drive past it to get groceries, to visit with family and now to get to my new job. 

My thought on this is, I tend to drag negative feelings out of locations that I have negative emotions/experiences from. Okay that parts common. The uncommon part of my thoughts are the ones that attach themselves to my future as well. Such as, 

The good thing is, if I ever lose or leave my current job atleast I won’t have to see it everyday being that it’s so far out of the way. 

That’s true and all BUT why the hell am I focusing on “if I lose this job.” Why is that important when I haven’t even officially started it yet. 

Honestly, I tend to do this alot and it seems like my brain is kindof wired to think like that. Call it thinking ahead or preparing for the future but all I see is negativity and in the most childish way I can explain my feelings towards it…it really sucks.

Another example of this that comes to mind is, 

Everything would be better if I were gone.

Not true. Not in the slightest. Do you see what I mean though? 

It’s a negative thought attempting to camouflage itself with a few meaningless positive words. 

Can anyone else relate to this?

What are some ways you’ve used a pessimistic silver lining?  

Posted in art, blog, compassion, good vibes, happiness, health, life, love, moods, motivation, painting, positivity, post a day, self worth, sketching, thoughts

Swimming Thoughts. 

I learned alot while I was in Art School. 

I learned the value of colors and shades. I learned depth and how to truly recreate depth for your audience. I learned alot about other artists, but with all of that knowledge the main thing I learned was: Art should not be disturbed.

An artist should not have to fight over what line needs to be curved. 

An artist should not have to explain why she made a choice to draw or paint something a certain way because you can’t always explain a feeling. 

Art is like fate. You are predetermined to make it to a certain point and you will make the choices to reach that point along the way. You will make mistakes, you will want to quit. 

But you wont. 

I learned that no matter how much something gives you joy, that joy will always cease once it is disturbed.

You can paint a mural and let your mind escape into the wall, not worrying about edges, bumps and scratches. 

Just emptying your mind onto a scarred canvas. Something that once was bare, begging to be filled with light. 

You start sketching your design, slowly widdeling away your eraser. Taking every chance you can to look deeper, weeding out the perfection. Until finally, the mess that was once your mind is displayed on the once bare canvas and the feeling you have is undescribable. 

To me, art shouldn’t be perfect. Art should break barriers. Disrupt the silence. Art should make the artist and viewers feel. 

The viewers should feel every stroke from a paint brush, every dusting of charcoal. Every emotion that the artist layed out on that canvas should be felt without cease. 

Art should not be disturbed. 

Art should disturb. 

                     Cesar A. Cruz

(Pictures created by Author with Adobe Illustrator)

Posted in BDD, blog, body confidence, body dismorphia disorder, health, self esteem, self worth, weight

2am Showers Bring May Flowers. 

Body Dismorphia is a condition defined as;

Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is an anxiety disorder that causes a person to have a distorted view of how they look and to spend a lot of time worrying about their appearance. For example, they may be convinced that a barely visible scar is a major flaw that everyone is staring at, or that their nose looks abnormal.

This is a condition that affects about 1 in 50 people. The Prevalence of BDD is somewhat small, but is still a very devastating condition to live with. It can go one of two ways, either someone can perceive a small flaw as massive or their entire body as grotesque or unnatractive. Not only this but Body dismorphia can lead to social anxiety or simply just staying out of the public eye completely. 

Now, I can go back to when I was in school and somewhat relate to this post. I was the girl in school that constantly wore hoodies or oversized t-shirts and jeans or sweat pants to cover up her body. Although back then I wasn’t as big as I felt I would still go every possible mile to disguise my body from everyone. 

I’m sure that this is a common problem among teenagers in highschool especially considering the ridicule that they get. I know that I received alot of grief from family and other students even though at the time I was more than 50 lbs lighter. All I remember is that I felt the same about my body then as I do now. 

Although I can not relate to this post as much as I would like to while offering help to anyone with this disorder I would like to say that every single one of the people I have met in my life has struggled with some kind of physical flaw. Most of the time these flaws were only seen by the person raising the complaints. Even though I completely understand that you’re the one that sees yourself everyday don’t forget that a stranger, regardless of admittance, can find beauty in almost everything. 

Don’t ever be deterred by what you see because someone else might view you as a diamond among a sea of stones. 

This post, while being written by someone who has very low self esteem, is not written by someone with diagnosed BDD.