Posted in blog, blog topics, confidence, depression, lessons, mental health, mistakes, pregnancy, self esteem, self worth, short story, Stalker, story time

Stalker Story Time.

I’m sure you all know by now that my confidence isn’t exactly sky high so to keep on the subject and maybe explain myself a little bit I’ve decided to tell you a story. 

When I was a teenager, and continuously, I had suffered from depression. Being in Highschool where you unfortunately hear about your friends sexual endeavors I started feeling extremely depressed, lacking in confidence and unwanted. After my Junior year there was a plan set by my Mom to move back to our old house in town. 

Upon learning that I developed a mindset of jealousy and decided then when going to this new school and having no one to talk to I atleast wanted someone I knew I could turn to. 

I proceeded to download MyYearbook, now known as MeetMe. At 17 I started talking to a 27 year old man that we’ll call “Tom.” Tom and I talked for the entire summer and he expressed interest in me that I wasn’t used to even though I knew I wasn’t entirely interested in him in that way. Being totally inexperienced in any kind of “romantic” relationship I instead came up with the worst motto in History.

I definetly won’t be with anyone else so I myswell take what I can get.

Absolutely terrible. 

Anyways, after school started he and I started talking about meeting. We both knew that we were only about 10 minutes, walking distance, away from one another so I explained that it would have to be after school and I needed to be back before 5:00pm. He agreed. 

A month or two into the school year we met for the first time and it immediately was off to an uncomfortable start. The very first thing he initiated was sex and being innocent in this subject and having the motto that I had, “no” really didn’t come easily. Including when it came to him coming to my house with no intentions on my part to do anything sexual.

For reasons that I really can’t validate even 6 years later, this “relationship” continued although red flags weren’t scarce. First red flag being that he was violent. I never left with any bruises but I can recall multiple times when I was unable to breathe and verbally and physically expressed that I was in pain. 

Even then it continued until he requested one last thing, which I will not mention here because of disgust, to which I promptly and loudly denied. 

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why exactly he was attracted to me and didn’t figure it out until about a month later when I received a text from him claiming to be a friend of his, requesting pictures of any of my “pregnant friends.”

So yeah, I’ll be honest. I’m a bit overweight. Apparently that was close enough for him and his “fetish.” Red. Flag. 

I, of course, told him no then attempted to message him the next day explaining the situation to which he played off in a joking manner saying, “Ya, he’s like that. Ha ha.”

Now I can’t say I was positive at that point that he was pretending to be other people until his “friend” texted a few more times requesting the same thing then receiving a message on Facebook from a girl I had never heard of saying that she saw us together and would call the cops. 

That of course scared the shit out of me because at the time my Mom worked at the Court House and knew every cop in the area. Scared or not I decided to do some research. I looked at her page which had zero pictures of her, zero posts but she was friends with over 200 people including some of my friends, all of which either were pregnant or had kids. 

I ignored the texts I got from “Tom” and messaged some of my friends asking if they knew who she was. They all said no and that they had just gotten a request from her and accepted it. 

I decided at this point to message Tom and not only explain the situation but also to call him out for trying to fuck with me because not only were these 2 situations highly unlikely but the main thing I noticed was that Tom, his “friend” and this girl all typed EXACTLY the same. Right down to the punctuation and spelling of different words. 

That was when I told him that I was done speaking to him and that he needed to erase my number and forget me NOW. 

For atleast 2 months afterwards he continued to text me pretending to be other people, begging for forgiveness and even went as far as to write my phone number in a local stores mens bathroom. 

I finally convinced my Mom to let me change my number, explaining that apparently someone from school had gotten my number and wrote it in the bathroom which was causing me to be harassed. 

Unfortunately I had somewhat forgotten that he knew were I lived and I had faith that he wouldn’t go as far as to show up at my house. 

As I’m sure you suspect, I was wrong to put faith in Tom because one night when my Mom picked me up from work she handed me an unsealed letter in an envelope that was just marked “To Emily.” Then explained that she found it laying on the front porch.

I ignored the letter and spent the entire drive home trying to talk about anything except for that. 

Once we got there I called a friend of mine that lived down the block, whom I had shared this ordeal with earlier in the year, and asked her to come up and read the letter because I couldnt. Once she got to my house she read the letter and reassured me that if my Mom had read it there wasn’t anything incriminating in there. I gave it a once over and immediately was pissed because this guy refused to take no as an answer. 

He had written his number on the bottom so my friend and I called him and explained that I was done, he was harassing me and that I was .5 seconds away from calling the police on him. We then hung up before he could respond and waited. 

He never sent a text, letter or called me again and I didnt see him for about 3 years until he casually came into the gas station where I was working at the time. Which was the most terrifying moment I had experienced in quite awhile but fortunately that was the last time I saw him. 

That was my story. If you ever fear that you are in an abusive, stalking or uncomfortable position like this, don’t be like me and handle it yourself. Talk to someone, call the police if you need to. People will help you.  

Main photo from LitHub which includes a book review of Caroline Kepnes books which touch on “Love VS. Stalking.”

Posted in blog, blog topics, book, employment, life, mistakes, post a day, short story, thoughts, writing

Rock Music and Fresh Coffee

This blog post is mostly meant as practice for me to word things properly. Any advice is welcome.

The drive to get here was all but safe. Slipping and sliding across the road as if my car was on ski’s. 

I sit in the parking lot watching people gather by the front door, puffing the wind and their ciggarettes and blending smoke and cold air. My mind is empty. No nerves, just ready. 

I exit my car, grabbing my lunch that’s tinted with frost from having my window open for most of the hour and 20 minute drive. I enter the building and I’m met with a firm hand shake and a question about the roads. 

“Let me give you a tour,” she says as hands come towards me and names are thrown into the air and fall to the floor. The only thing I feel is comfort. In a situation where I would feel out of place, unwanted and not up to the job, I am ready. 

She leads me to a training room and we exchange small talk about the art work drawn on the white board. The first person in the room is a burley man, I didn’t catch his name. He sits next to me and I attempt to start a conversation. Regardless of my comfort he meets me with my first wall. I’m still elated, I’m comfortable regardless of you. 

The next 2 hours are scattered with information and my confidence wavers slightly but in a good way. I can do this. I can do this. 

Posted in 2017, blog, blog topics, clueless, employment, health, life, mistakes, post a day, thoughts

Up All Night, Sleep All Day. 

This blog is obvious. This blog is about my being up until 8am with a restless Mind watching The Path on Hulu. 

I seemed to rationalize why I was up. First it was because of a phone conversation that got me upset. Granted I was already upset prior to that conversation. Once the clock read 3am I told myself, well, if you just stay up then maybe you can stay up long enough to get your sleeping habits back on track. Ie. Be in bed at around 9pm and wake up in the morning like a normal person. 

Contrary to this failing every other time I’ve tried I disregarded that fact. Probably lack of sleep causing delusional thinking. 

I’ve always had trouble sleeping but I did eventually get back on track. My last job was one where I had to be in bed by 11pm and up at 7am no matter what but since loosing said job it only took me 2 weeks to start sleeping until noon again. 

Soon the clock read 9am and I could feel myself falling asleep. It’s that kind of tired where you hardly even notice your eyes closing and the hand that was holding your phone falling towards your chest. I was out. 

It is now 9pm and I’ve been up for an hour. So with that being said, I apologize for my boring blog today.

Posted in 2017, anger, blog, frustration, happiness, life, mistakes, moods, motivation, negative, positive, post a day, thoughts

Wave Number Two

I’m having trouble today. 

Life is being disrupted, debris is slowly being pushed up the shore. 

Everything that’s getting to me right now based on my Remaining Positive post, are miniscule problems that I’ll forget about sooner than later. 

But, right now. Considering my current predicament, they are massive. 

They are massive and I’m having a very hard time keeping a positive head about it. 

I know it will work out and I know I’m the mean time I will have help but it’s the dawn of these issues that are raising my stress level to a 7 out of 10. 

I could even bring up my Make More Mistakes post and say that mistakes are great, unless someone’s telling you that you made one while dealing with something that already gives you anxiety and frustration. My suggestion is to not add anger to the mix.

So, once again, I’m here giving out advice that I struggle with following. Like I’ve said though, it’s not a switch you can flip. It won’t happen over night.

 But I sure as Hell wish it did. 

Posted in blog, blog topics, food, funny, humor, life, mistakes, post a day, roast, thoughts

“Cooking” With Seascapeminds.

Once upon a time I had an Instagram titled lemonadefoodie. Please don’t ask me why I thought anyone would honestly give a shit about a 22 year old poorly cooking basic meals in their Moms kitchen but I did. I had no clue how to advertise or get my page out (still dont) and I had a habit of over compensating. (Still do.) Half the reason most people follow food blogs/instagrams or whatever else is because of how the food looks. Or they’re high, either way. 

Now with that being said, not everything I posted looked like a basic meal. To this day I’m still proud of my stuffed mushrooms and spinach salad, mostly for the plating. 

(The dressing on the stuffed mushrooms? Yeah, that’s italian. Straight from a packet I borrowed from a local gas station.)

Classy. What they don’t know won’t hurt them. Besides, I was the one that ate it. 

I didn’t only just toss together a salad and continuously moan “ew” while carefully trying to de-stem mushrooms. Oh no. I baked too. 

Hell yeah for spending $30+ at Walmart on cupcake supplies because..

I wanna be a cupcake maker!

Then giving up completely after frosting and decorating the 4th one. #goals. 

Sad part of that is, I made 2 dozen cupcakes. 

Oh, but that’s not all. You want breakfast? I got you.

Blueberry pancakes (from a box) for everyone! Or you could just have the fruit. That’s actually real. Oh yeah, and don’t forget the corner of my finger on the left. 

If anyone needs a professional photographer, I’m your girl. I’ll just need awhile to find someone to borrow a camera from. 

Wait! I know, you’re looking for a “tutorial.” 

Gotcha covered there too. 

Now I can’t be the only person that craves Tuna Salad.

I am? Oh. 

Well to be honest that Tuna Salad was actually perfection. I would really suggest trying it. 

Lastly, just so I can really showcase my skills and impress every one….

BAM!

Yes, that really is just Peanut butter toast with 5 slices of banana on it. 

Hopefully this post explains why you don’t see me busting my ass on the Food Network. 

And that, my friends, is how you roast a nut. 

Posted in confidence, employment, interviewing, job interview, life, mistakes, post a day, quotes, resolutions, thoughts

Make More Mistakes.

I recently had an interview which I touched on in my previous blog, 8 Tips for Nailing an Interview. Since said interview I’ve had one phrase stuck in my head. It was sloppily written on a white board smack dab in the middle of the room where everyone could see it. 

The board was titled: 

GOALS FOR TODAY. 

And it listed out 3 goals, the first being, Make more mistakes. 

Now, I think the first reason that this caught my eye is that most Employers would prefer you didn’t make mistakes. Mistakes cost money, mistakes waste time. I know that’s how it has been for me in previous jobs atleast. 

I read the quote a few times over then asked the interviewer about it, nearly smacking myself for not thinking about it more. 

Her response was, 

Most of my employees don’t mess up. That’s fine and dandy but if you never mess up then how will you ever learn? 

That seems really obvious now but looking at it written on a white board almost cheering the company’s employees on was almost laughable. How could something so common catch me off guard like that and have me thinking about it more than 8 hours later. 

The above sentence is something I say commonly and even said during my interview with fewer words. 

But, something I feel that I picked up from that list of goals is that mistakes aren’t something to apologize for. Yes, I mess up. Admit it, you do too.

I think I had the goal of apologizing less in 2016 and followed through with it quite a bit but with that being said, I think i need to continue that goal into 2017 and include making more mistakes too.