Posted in 2017, anger, blog, blog topics, emotions, frustration, life, love, moods, relationships, self worth, thoughts

Arms Length. 

Have you ever been in a relationship where you were kept at arms length?

Close enough so they know you’re there but far enough that you’re just holding on by a thread. 

Where going to visit is mostly going to end with you going home. 

Where the closest thing you get to romantic was your first date and maybe a text or two. 

Where everything else seems like a burden because you have to ask for it. 

Where you sit here wondering when it’s going to end because you know it will eventually. 

When you sit and wonder why you’re still doing it when you have a tattoo forever on your arm as a reminder of how enough you are. 

Telling yourself that you’ve done this before and it wasn’t right then so why is it suddenly okay now. 

Beating yourself up for letting it happen and getting played. 

Made to think that you are important but only being given enough that only makes you somewhat question why the fuck you’re still sitting here. 

What’s stopping you from leaving? You have your shoes on, you’re on your second ciggarette and your coat is on your lap but you’re still fucking sitting here. 
I wrote this blog about a week ago and at the time these were my thoughts. Since then I have built up the courage to share my concerns and figured everything out but I still wanted to post this as a reminder to myself since this has happened to me multiple times even though it doesn’t need to. 

I do not owe anyone my time if they so clearly don’t want it. 

Posted in anxiety, blog, depression, emotions, life, moods, post a day, suicide, thoughts, writing

Third Wave: Settled. 

I’ve said this before and meant it at the time but today…today was so hard. 

I am unemployed. Again. I’d rather not explain it but I can say I didn’t do anything wrong. I can admit that I’m not perfect but I gave it everything I could and it didn’t work out. 

Because of that, I had a mental breakdown. I screamed, I cried. I called for my boyfriend to help me and he did his best but it wasn’t helping. 

I can truly say there was a point where I looked at the river just past the guard rail on the side of the road and smiled just knowing at any point that I could jerk my wheel over and be done with everything. 

Breaking my back trying to prove myself, motivating myself to smile even when every inch of me is crumbling, giving 1000% of myself to do what I need to do even when I barely have anything to get out of bed in the morning. 

I smiled. I thought about killing myself and the only reaction that came to my mind was to smile. 

With that being said, I really can’t tell you what made me push aside my pride and anxiety and pull up to the counselors office we have in town. 

I walked in and contrary to me knowing I could care less right now, smiling at death, I asked for help. 

I explained that I had spent my last dollar this morning, I had no health insurance and that I was crumbling. 

At a time where I could have been turned away, kicked in the teeth and ignored, they said okay. 

A stranger gave me almost an hour of their time, talked to me, offered me every piece of advice they could and stopped me from crying. 

Today has taught me that if there’s anything left in the world to be grateful for, I am grateful for them. I am grateful for my boyfriend. I am so unbelievably grateful that I feel like I’m going to cry again so with that being said, I need to end this blog here and breathe. 

Posted in 2017, anger, blog, blog topics, employment, frustration, life, moods, post a day, thoughts, writing

Barriers.

So, I know I’m only 22 but I feel like I’ve reached a trial and error point in my life. Everything I do and every job I get I don’t feel happy. I don’t feel like it’s what I want and I want to leave. To put it in perspective this is my 3rd day working for this company and those are the thoughts I’m having. 

Granted I’ve only quit quickly once before this and then ended up having a mental breakdown but I don’t want to do it again. I don’t want to feel like a failure for the 2nd time in barely a month. 

BUT with that being said I also don’t want to feel stuck and unhappy anymore. 

———

Now, this post started as a sob story but it turned into somewhat of a success story because thankfully my boss could see the “I quit” splattered across my face and pulled me aside. 

She sat and talked to me for about 10 or so minutes, I can’t honestly remember what she said but I think the fact that someone actually cared and was willing to use their time to help me get through mine. 

So now, the time when I thought I would be bawling in my car, I am calm. I still feel unsure but not to the point of making rash decisions. 

Which in all honesty is better then nothing. 

Posted in 2017, advice, blog, blog topics, health, life, moods, post a day, thoughts

Anxiety in Numbers.

I know alot of people struggle with anxiety and because of that I wanted to offer some advice that works for me. 

I usually feel anxiety during every day situations. Making phone calls(odd that I’m currently working in a call center type job as of Tuesday), going into larger stores or things even as simple as getting out of my car when I arrive where ever I need to be. 

There are 3 things that I usually try to get through these situations and i hope 1 or all of these can help someone else that struggles with anxiety. 

1. Relate to Your Surroundings.

I know that most of the reason I feel anxious is because of being in a situation that I’m not used to or comfortable with. The first thing that helps me is finding something relatable in these uncomfortable situations. This can be as complicated as a person or an object or as simple as a color or shape. 

For instance, you walk into a new place and the first thing you see is a clock, if you can relate to it, focus on it. Or if someone speaks like a friend or relative, focus on them/talk to them. Look for anything that would make you more comfortable. 

2. Comfort in Numbers. 

The next thing that works for me is counting on my fingers. You don’t have to be obvious about this and hold your hand up and count your fingers out loud but it still makes a difference. Hold your hand at your side and tap your thumb against your other 4 fingers keeping count up to 4. I don’t know if you’ve ever used or heard the phrase “take it 10 seconds at a time” but this is basically the same thing. It keeps your mind distracted by preoccupying your hands and head and before you know it the situation will be over or you’ll feel more calm about being in that situation. 

3. Mental Ipod. 

Sing to yourself. Simple as that. Pick your favorite song/songs and replay them in your head. Focus on the words and the music in the background. One main part of my anxiety is being too focused on what’s causing the anxiety and this clears my head without actually clearing my head. This can also be considered a relatable coping skill. 

I hope these ideas can help someone that has been reading my blogs or is a new reader. 

If you feel that there is anything I missed, advice of your own or success stories if you’ve tried any of these anxiety coping skills please feel free to comment. 
Featured image from Quotes to Inspire

Posted in 2017, blog, blog topics, employment, happiness, health, life, moods, negative, post a day, quotes, self esteem, self worth, thoughts

Pessimistic Silver Linings

I’m gonna share another bad habit that I have. That habit is using “pessimistic silver linings” to try and make myself feel better. 

I actually thought of one earlier so I’ll use that as an example. My new job is about 40 minutes away from my house. The last job I had is half way between my Mom’s house and my Grandma’s house. I drive past it to get groceries, to visit with family and now to get to my new job. 

My thought on this is, I tend to drag negative feelings out of locations that I have negative emotions/experiences from. Okay that parts common. The uncommon part of my thoughts are the ones that attach themselves to my future as well. Such as, 

The good thing is, if I ever lose or leave my current job atleast I won’t have to see it everyday being that it’s so far out of the way. 

That’s true and all BUT why the hell am I focusing on “if I lose this job.” Why is that important when I haven’t even officially started it yet. 

Honestly, I tend to do this alot and it seems like my brain is kindof wired to think like that. Call it thinking ahead or preparing for the future but all I see is negativity and in the most childish way I can explain my feelings towards it…it really sucks.

Another example of this that comes to mind is, 

Everything would be better if I were gone.

Not true. Not in the slightest. Do you see what I mean though? 

It’s a negative thought attempting to camouflage itself with a few meaningless positive words. 

Can anyone else relate to this?

What are some ways you’ve used a pessimistic silver lining?  

Posted in 2017, anger, blog, frustration, happiness, life, mistakes, moods, motivation, negative, positive, post a day, thoughts

Wave Number Two

I’m having trouble today. 

Life is being disrupted, debris is slowly being pushed up the shore. 

Everything that’s getting to me right now based on my Remaining Positive post, are miniscule problems that I’ll forget about sooner than later. 

But, right now. Considering my current predicament, they are massive. 

They are massive and I’m having a very hard time keeping a positive head about it. 

I know it will work out and I know I’m the mean time I will have help but it’s the dawn of these issues that are raising my stress level to a 7 out of 10. 

I could even bring up my Make More Mistakes post and say that mistakes are great, unless someone’s telling you that you made one while dealing with something that already gives you anxiety and frustration. My suggestion is to not add anger to the mix.

So, once again, I’m here giving out advice that I struggle with following. Like I’ve said though, it’s not a switch you can flip. It won’t happen over night.

 But I sure as Hell wish it did. 

Posted in blog, blog topics, clueless, humor, life, moods, motivation, post a day, thoughts

Clueless


Today I’m having trouble coming up with a blog so I decided to write this as an ode to what could’ve been. I’ve had tons of ideas which are terrible by themselves but maybe all grouped together they won’t be as bad. 

Option One

Cats and how irritating they can be. Ie. Tearing up your furnature. (The stool that you reupholstered and were very proud of.) Bitch. 

Option Two

My mom’s suggestion of writing about Mother Nature and Menopause because apparently Mother Nature should have menopause figured out by now and it shouldn’t be 60 degrees one day then 30 degrees the next. “It’s just rediculous!” Okay Mom.

Option Three

Get on omegle and try to figure out if people can carry on a conversation, THEN write about it. 

Okay, not bad so far. We have a psychic on our hands.

And a comedian apparently. This guy has some great confidence. 

Thanks for playing. 

That didn’t take long to fail. 

Option Four

Watch a movie/documentary for inspiration? 

Hulu? Netflix?

Smh. 

Well, as you can see this went well. Gold star on the board for a successful day.