Posted in anger, blog, blog topics, book, depression, devastation, emotions, life, negative, novella, post a day, short story, thoughts, writing

A Difficult Chapter.

I would first like to add an introduction to this post, I am about 5 months in to writing a Novella, this is chapter 5. This is not meant to harm but more to inform but that’s not to say it wont trigger anyone. Keep that in mind when you start to read, I will understand if you cant. Comments, suggestions and questions are welcome.

Chapter Five: Fuck You.
It feels like hours pass while his fingers turn into his hand and I’m confused. I’ve liked him for years and I’ve honestly thought about this, dreamt about it even. But I can also say that when I thought about it, I didn’t have the same scared feeling as I do right now. His hand moves higher and I can’t speak, but he can. This isn’t how I want it to be. He’s saying something soft but his hand is moving hard and suddenly I’m on the ground. I can’t breathe. He’s still talking as his hand moves higher up my dress and I feel his fingers underneath my underwear. I can’t breathe. I’m talking now. I know I’m talking and I know he can hear me saying no. As my underwear slide off and I feel the ground underneath me, he’s on top of me. I can’t breathe. I swear that I’m telling him to stop as he kisses my neck while his hand moves between my legs. No. Why can’t I fucking talk? Why can’t he fucking hear me? I hear leaves rustling under us as he leans away to unzip his pants. Why can’t he fucking hear me talk? I feel him push in me as all of my air pushes out. I can’t breathe but it seems like he’s not having any trouble. Over and over I can feel only him. Breathe in, breathe out. My eyes feel closed but I’m staring at the ground beside me. He pushes harder and I breathe less thinking I could just pass out and not even know what’s happening. I didn’t want this. Again. Leaves rustling. Again. His breath brushes against my cheek. Again. Hands pushing down my shoulders. It lasts forever until finally it doesn’t. He stops. I stop. I’m frozen to the ground while he gets up. Brushes himself off. I can’t breathe. He lifts me up, pulls my dress down and kicks my underwear past the trees. He walks towards his truck and I watch him while holding my stomach and try to find my voice again. He opens the door for me expecting me to take the invitation. Chivalrous.
I walk slowly, not taking my eyes off of the ground in front of me and get in without even touching the bottom of my dress. I can feel a leaf rubbing against my back under my dress as his truck cruises down the road. I can breathe again but barely. He’s completely silent besides tapping his fingers against his steering wheel, blowing out smoke. I keep racking my brain but no matter how I think about it I can’t figure out what I did wrong that made him think he could do this to me. He pulls up a block away from my house just when I don’t think I can handle the silence anymore. I see him watching me and smiling from the side mirror as I open the door to leave. I slide out of the truck and slam the door just as he says “thanks.” I can hear the smile on his face and I stand right outside his truck until I hear his tires pull away.
I start walking home thinking about everything that happened today and I feel crushed. I can’t believe that he could do this to me. I feel like trash. Crumbled up and thrown away. How could he do this? How could I let him do this? I step into the house and collapse on the floor and everything is quiet. As I’m sitting on the floor, folded over, sobs escape and fill the silence. My heart beats fast as the tears roll down my cheeks and my breath rises and falls, making up for lost time. I feel completely, overwhelmingly defeated. As I sit on the floor letting everything flood out, I lean my head back against the door and look up at the ceiling. If there was someone up there they wouldn’t let this happen? If there was anyone, anywhere, this would never have happened. I let out a long, deep breath and wipe a tear from the side of my nose just as I hear a car pull up into the driveway and I’m gone before anyone even knew I was here.

I’ve been in this same spot for three days. Ignoring Mom. Ignoring Paul. Ignoring everything. Sliding deeper and deeper into a tunnel. I finally stopped crying by now I just feel like a shell. I have no motivation, I’ve missed work for the last two days, giving the excuse of a stomach virus. I could tell that no one believes me when I say it but I don’t care. I just need time. I need to feel again. I need to think again. I need to think about anything but him. The only thoughts I’ve had for the last 3 days are fuck you. Fuck you for thinking you can do this to me, to anyone.

Fuck you.

Posted in 2017, blog, blog topics, employment, happiness, health, life, moods, negative, post a day, quotes, self esteem, self worth, thoughts

Pessimistic Silver Linings

I’m gonna share another bad habit that I have. That habit is using “pessimistic silver linings” to try and make myself feel better. 

I actually thought of one earlier so I’ll use that as an example. My new job is about 40 minutes away from my house. The last job I had is half way between my Mom’s house and my Grandma’s house. I drive past it to get groceries, to visit with family and now to get to my new job. 

My thought on this is, I tend to drag negative feelings out of locations that I have negative emotions/experiences from. Okay that parts common. The uncommon part of my thoughts are the ones that attach themselves to my future as well. Such as, 

The good thing is, if I ever lose or leave my current job atleast I won’t have to see it everyday being that it’s so far out of the way. 

That’s true and all BUT why the hell am I focusing on “if I lose this job.” Why is that important when I haven’t even officially started it yet. 

Honestly, I tend to do this alot and it seems like my brain is kindof wired to think like that. Call it thinking ahead or preparing for the future but all I see is negativity and in the most childish way I can explain my feelings towards it…it really sucks.

Another example of this that comes to mind is, 

Everything would be better if I were gone.

Not true. Not in the slightest. Do you see what I mean though? 

It’s a negative thought attempting to camouflage itself with a few meaningless positive words. 

Can anyone else relate to this?

What are some ways you’ve used a pessimistic silver lining?  

Posted in 2017, anger, blog, frustration, happiness, life, mistakes, moods, motivation, negative, positive, post a day, thoughts

Wave Number Two

I’m having trouble today. 

Life is being disrupted, debris is slowly being pushed up the shore. 

Everything that’s getting to me right now based on my Remaining Positive post, are miniscule problems that I’ll forget about sooner than later. 

But, right now. Considering my current predicament, they are massive. 

They are massive and I’m having a very hard time keeping a positive head about it. 

I know it will work out and I know I’m the mean time I will have help but it’s the dawn of these issues that are raising my stress level to a 7 out of 10. 

I could even bring up my Make More Mistakes post and say that mistakes are great, unless someone’s telling you that you made one while dealing with something that already gives you anxiety and frustration. My suggestion is to not add anger to the mix.

So, once again, I’m here giving out advice that I struggle with following. Like I’ve said though, it’s not a switch you can flip. It won’t happen over night.

 But I sure as Hell wish it did.