Posted in 2017, blog, blog topics, life, love, thoughts

To Be Loved…

I can’t imagine the joy people feel when being loved without condition. 

To not question seems like an impossible task. Feeling less then worth it feels devastating. 

How does someone offer up all that they are to someone they’ve only known for a small amount of their lives? 

How do you put faith in another human being when you’ve been tailored to tend to yourself? 

What is it like to sink into another person and feel safe? 

What does it feel like to be the only girl in the room just from a look? 

How do you know it’s real? 

How do you know how to be loved?

Posted in 2017, advice, blog, blog topics, lessons, life, thoughts

22 Things.

When I go on a date with someone for some reason I always feel the need to ask them what they’re hopes and dreams are. 

I ask them and they list it out for me then return the question. I always seem to have this elaborate 5 year plan ready to go. 

Save my money, buy my first home, hopefully a new car somewhere along the way. To be in a good relationship, to be happy. It really doesn’t seem like alot.

But now that I think about it I would’ve had this dream when I was 18 as well which would now be almost 5 years ago. Since I think the only thing that has come true from that is being in a relationship I decided to instead make a list of 22 things I’ve learned in the last 5 years. Enjoy. 

  1. No one is in control of your life except for you. 
  2. You can’t expect anything to change by sitting and waiting. 
  3. It is NOT a good idea to fuck up your taxes. This goes along with the fact that if you’re in college and not paying towards your loans yet-you still need to file for school. 
  4. “Not every sexual encounter should make you feel like you were taken advantage of.” It really messes with your mental health. 
  5. Never take an overnight (nights) trip by yourself. 
  6. Always say what you mean. 
  7. Be an ear, you never know when someone may need it. 
  8. Don’t talk shit. Karma is not only a bitch but she’s also pretty quick to retaliate. Sorry karma. 
  9. EVERY choice you make effects you in the long run and you never know how it’ll work out but your chances are higher if your choices are good. 
  10. Denim shirts don’t look good on me. Tucked in or out its just bad. 
  11. Your time is precious. Don’t waste it on anyone that doesn’t want it. 
  12. Decluttering is an extremely useful form of therapy. 
  13. Don’t take anything for granted because you never know when you won’t have it anymore. With that being said, if you lose it-don’t dwell. All that hurts is you. 
  14. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. You’ve spent your entire life figuring out who that is. 
  15. Don’t neglect your dentist. Brushing and flossing doesn’t fix everything. 
  16. Memories are important. Put your damn phone away. 
  17. Your mom is your best friend. 
  18. Make sure your arguments are worth it. 
  19. Face wash is very good body wash in times of crisis. 
  20. Adults pee their pants too. No shame. 
  21. Don’t argue about how you look. You’ve had years of seeing yourself a certain way, someone else could be seeing you through rose colored glasses. 
  22. Rough days don’t mean a rough life. You’ve got plenty of time left.
Posted in 2017, anger, blog, blog topics, emotions, frustration, life, love, moods, relationships, self worth, thoughts

Arms Length. 

Have you ever been in a relationship where you were kept at arms length?

Close enough so they know you’re there but far enough that you’re just holding on by a thread. 

Where going to visit is mostly going to end with you going home. 

Where the closest thing you get to romantic was your first date and maybe a text or two. 

Where everything else seems like a burden because you have to ask for it. 

Where you sit here wondering when it’s going to end because you know it will eventually. 

When you sit and wonder why you’re still doing it when you have a tattoo forever on your arm as a reminder of how enough you are. 

Telling yourself that you’ve done this before and it wasn’t right then so why is it suddenly okay now. 

Beating yourself up for letting it happen and getting played. 

Made to think that you are important but only being given enough that only makes you somewhat question why the fuck you’re still sitting here. 

What’s stopping you from leaving? You have your shoes on, you’re on your second ciggarette and your coat is on your lap but you’re still fucking sitting here. 
I wrote this blog about a week ago and at the time these were my thoughts. Since then I have built up the courage to share my concerns and figured everything out but I still wanted to post this as a reminder to myself since this has happened to me multiple times even though it doesn’t need to. 

I do not owe anyone my time if they so clearly don’t want it. 

Posted in 2017, blog, blog topics, emotions, life, love, poem, post a day, relationships, self worth, thoughts, writing

The Girl That Floats.

One day you will meet a girl.
To you this girl will seem as if she drifts through her day, floats almost.
You will watch her break down in front of everything that challenges the path she chose to take.

She will crumble into her hardships.
You will be dismayed.

One day you will meet the same girl.
To you this girl will seem as if she drifts through her day, floats almost.
You will watch her break down everything that challenges the path that she chose to take.

She will be resistant to struggle.
You will be enamored.

One day you will meet the girl again.
To you this girl will seem as if she drifts into your life, floats almost.
You will watch her breakdown everything that challenges the path you chose to take.

She will be abetting.
You will be indebted.

One day a girl will meet you.
To this girl you will seem as if you drift through your day, float almost.
She will watch you rise above everyone that crosses the path you chose to take.

She will be enabling.
You will be apathetic.

One day you will meet a girl.
One day this girl will drift out of your life, float almost.
She will leave you discarded on the path you chose to take.

She will be unburdened.
You will be humbled.

Posted in anger, blog, blog topics, book, depression, devastation, emotions, life, negative, novella, post a day, short story, thoughts, writing

A Difficult Chapter.

I would first like to add an introduction to this post, I am about 5 months in to writing a Novella, this is chapter 5. This is not meant to harm but more to inform but that’s not to say it wont trigger anyone. Keep that in mind when you start to read, I will understand if you cant. Comments, suggestions and questions are welcome.

Chapter Five: Fuck You.
It feels like hours pass while his fingers turn into his hand and I’m confused. I’ve liked him for years and I’ve honestly thought about this, dreamt about it even. But I can also say that when I thought about it, I didn’t have the same scared feeling as I do right now. His hand moves higher and I can’t speak, but he can. This isn’t how I want it to be. He’s saying something soft but his hand is moving hard and suddenly I’m on the ground. I can’t breathe. He’s still talking as his hand moves higher up my dress and I feel his fingers underneath my underwear. I can’t breathe. I’m talking now. I know I’m talking and I know he can hear me saying no. As my underwear slide off and I feel the ground underneath me, he’s on top of me. I can’t breathe. I swear that I’m telling him to stop as he kisses my neck while his hand moves between my legs. No. Why can’t I fucking talk? Why can’t he fucking hear me? I hear leaves rustling under us as he leans away to unzip his pants. Why can’t he fucking hear me talk? I feel him push in me as all of my air pushes out. I can’t breathe but it seems like he’s not having any trouble. Over and over I can feel only him. Breathe in, breathe out. My eyes feel closed but I’m staring at the ground beside me. He pushes harder and I breathe less thinking I could just pass out and not even know what’s happening. I didn’t want this. Again. Leaves rustling. Again. His breath brushes against my cheek. Again. Hands pushing down my shoulders. It lasts forever until finally it doesn’t. He stops. I stop. I’m frozen to the ground while he gets up. Brushes himself off. I can’t breathe. He lifts me up, pulls my dress down and kicks my underwear past the trees. He walks towards his truck and I watch him while holding my stomach and try to find my voice again. He opens the door for me expecting me to take the invitation. Chivalrous.
I walk slowly, not taking my eyes off of the ground in front of me and get in without even touching the bottom of my dress. I can feel a leaf rubbing against my back under my dress as his truck cruises down the road. I can breathe again but barely. He’s completely silent besides tapping his fingers against his steering wheel, blowing out smoke. I keep racking my brain but no matter how I think about it I can’t figure out what I did wrong that made him think he could do this to me. He pulls up a block away from my house just when I don’t think I can handle the silence anymore. I see him watching me and smiling from the side mirror as I open the door to leave. I slide out of the truck and slam the door just as he says “thanks.” I can hear the smile on his face and I stand right outside his truck until I hear his tires pull away.
I start walking home thinking about everything that happened today and I feel crushed. I can’t believe that he could do this to me. I feel like trash. Crumbled up and thrown away. How could he do this? How could I let him do this? I step into the house and collapse on the floor and everything is quiet. As I’m sitting on the floor, folded over, sobs escape and fill the silence. My heart beats fast as the tears roll down my cheeks and my breath rises and falls, making up for lost time. I feel completely, overwhelmingly defeated. As I sit on the floor letting everything flood out, I lean my head back against the door and look up at the ceiling. If there was someone up there they wouldn’t let this happen? If there was anyone, anywhere, this would never have happened. I let out a long, deep breath and wipe a tear from the side of my nose just as I hear a car pull up into the driveway and I’m gone before anyone even knew I was here.

I’ve been in this same spot for three days. Ignoring Mom. Ignoring Paul. Ignoring everything. Sliding deeper and deeper into a tunnel. I finally stopped crying by now I just feel like a shell. I have no motivation, I’ve missed work for the last two days, giving the excuse of a stomach virus. I could tell that no one believes me when I say it but I don’t care. I just need time. I need to feel again. I need to think again. I need to think about anything but him. The only thoughts I’ve had for the last 3 days are fuck you. Fuck you for thinking you can do this to me, to anyone.

Fuck you.

Posted in 2017, anxiety, blog, blog topics, depression, emotions, health, life, post a day, suicide, thoughts, writing

Traveling Realizations

So I just got done reading an amazing post by Thisisyouth titled Nepal 54: Anxiety Takes hold and it really got me thinking. Before reading this post I would consider whether or not a change of scenery would help my mind and the feelings and emotions that I have on a daily basis. Upon reading this incredibly well written post I’ve discovered that a change of scenery isn’t always a “fix all” for life. 

Honestly I really should have known this when I, the girl who struggles with getting out of her car in parking lots because of anxiety, decided to book a Motel in Pittsburgh for a job that I was 100% unqualified and unemotionally prepared for because doing so led to a previous post of mine, Death Without Dying

Now I know that alot of my blogs are somewhat dark but incase you don’t know me, my name is Emily and this is important. 

Your mental health is so important. I really can’t stress that enough. The bad part about your mental health is the fact that it is mental as in, regardless of where you are or who you’re with, it will always be there. 

You could get sick, that’s environmental. You could lose faith, that’s religious. But if you’re like me even in the slightest you know that if your life is crashing around you- a change of seating won’t fix it. 

I learned an extremely important lesson today. I learned that even if your world is falling because of your mental health mixed with everyday struggles and you’ve done everything you possibly could to change it except analyze your own mental stability, NOTHING will change.

If you aren’t willing to put all of your cards on the table, or ask for help like I did then nothing will change. 

I’m more than aware that putting aside my pride and asking for help today won’t fix everything but it helped. It helped a hell of alot more then jumping into the next situation blindly. More than uprooting my life for 4 days, trapped in a 10×10 room afraid to leave and deathly afraid to stay. 

Incase you haven’t noticed I’m not one to sit still but hopefully this will mean something coming from someone who is restless, full of anxiety and struggling with hardships for years (more recently the past month.)

Sit down. 

Stop exactly where you are and sit down. Breathe. Think. Feel. 

Get it out before it destroys you from the inside because your mental health is so, extremely, unbelievably IMPORTANT.


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I need to add this here because I’m thankful to have found the post that led to this blog. Thank you very much for allowing me to have the opportunity to read your blog, thank you for liking my previous post and thank you for allowing me to reference you in this one. 

-Emily


Posted in anxiety, blog, depression, emotions, life, moods, post a day, suicide, thoughts, writing

Third Wave: Settled. 

I’ve said this before and meant it at the time but today…today was so hard. 

I am unemployed. Again. I’d rather not explain it but I can say I didn’t do anything wrong. I can admit that I’m not perfect but I gave it everything I could and it didn’t work out. 

Because of that, I had a mental breakdown. I screamed, I cried. I called for my boyfriend to help me and he did his best but it wasn’t helping. 

I can truly say there was a point where I looked at the river just past the guard rail on the side of the road and smiled just knowing at any point that I could jerk my wheel over and be done with everything. 

Breaking my back trying to prove myself, motivating myself to smile even when every inch of me is crumbling, giving 1000% of myself to do what I need to do even when I barely have anything to get out of bed in the morning. 

I smiled. I thought about killing myself and the only reaction that came to my mind was to smile. 

With that being said, I really can’t tell you what made me push aside my pride and anxiety and pull up to the counselors office we have in town. 

I walked in and contrary to me knowing I could care less right now, smiling at death, I asked for help. 

I explained that I had spent my last dollar this morning, I had no health insurance and that I was crumbling. 

At a time where I could have been turned away, kicked in the teeth and ignored, they said okay. 

A stranger gave me almost an hour of their time, talked to me, offered me every piece of advice they could and stopped me from crying. 

Today has taught me that if there’s anything left in the world to be grateful for, I am grateful for them. I am grateful for my boyfriend. I am so unbelievably grateful that I feel like I’m going to cry again so with that being said, I need to end this blog here and breathe.