Posted in 2017, anxiety, blog, blog topics, depression, emotions, health, life, post a day, suicide, thoughts, writing

Traveling Realizations

So I just got done reading an amazing post by Thisisyouth titled Nepal 54: Anxiety Takes hold and it really got me thinking. Before reading this post I would consider whether or not a change of scenery would help my mind and the feelings and emotions that I have on a daily basis. Upon reading this incredibly well written post I’ve discovered that a change of scenery isn’t always a “fix all” for life. 

Honestly I really should have known this when I, the girl who struggles with getting out of her car in parking lots because of anxiety, decided to book a Motel in Pittsburgh for a job that I was 100% unqualified and unemotionally prepared for because doing so led to a previous post of mine, Death Without Dying

Now I know that alot of my blogs are somewhat dark but incase you don’t know me, my name is Emily and this is important. 

Your mental health is so important. I really can’t stress that enough. The bad part about your mental health is the fact that it is mental as in, regardless of where you are or who you’re with, it will always be there. 

You could get sick, that’s environmental. You could lose faith, that’s religious. But if you’re like me even in the slightest you know that if your life is crashing around you- a change of seating won’t fix it. 

I learned an extremely important lesson today. I learned that even if your world is falling because of your mental health mixed with everyday struggles and you’ve done everything you possibly could to change it except analyze your own mental stability, NOTHING will change.

If you aren’t willing to put all of your cards on the table, or ask for help like I did then nothing will change. 

I’m more than aware that putting aside my pride and asking for help today won’t fix everything but it helped. It helped a hell of alot more then jumping into the next situation blindly. More than uprooting my life for 4 days, trapped in a 10×10 room afraid to leave and deathly afraid to stay. 

Incase you haven’t noticed I’m not one to sit still but hopefully this will mean something coming from someone who is restless, full of anxiety and struggling with hardships for years (more recently the past month.)

Sit down. 

Stop exactly where you are and sit down. Breathe. Think. Feel. 

Get it out before it destroys you from the inside because your mental health is so, extremely, unbelievably IMPORTANT.


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I need to add this here because I’m thankful to have found the post that led to this blog. Thank you very much for allowing me to have the opportunity to read your blog, thank you for liking my previous post and thank you for allowing me to reference you in this one. 

-Emily


Posted in anxiety, blog, depression, emotions, life, moods, post a day, suicide, thoughts, writing

Third Wave: Settled. 

I’ve said this before and meant it at the time but today…today was so hard. 

I am unemployed. Again. I’d rather not explain it but I can say I didn’t do anything wrong. I can admit that I’m not perfect but I gave it everything I could and it didn’t work out. 

Because of that, I had a mental breakdown. I screamed, I cried. I called for my boyfriend to help me and he did his best but it wasn’t helping. 

I can truly say there was a point where I looked at the river just past the guard rail on the side of the road and smiled just knowing at any point that I could jerk my wheel over and be done with everything. 

Breaking my back trying to prove myself, motivating myself to smile even when every inch of me is crumbling, giving 1000% of myself to do what I need to do even when I barely have anything to get out of bed in the morning. 

I smiled. I thought about killing myself and the only reaction that came to my mind was to smile. 

With that being said, I really can’t tell you what made me push aside my pride and anxiety and pull up to the counselors office we have in town. 

I walked in and contrary to me knowing I could care less right now, smiling at death, I asked for help. 

I explained that I had spent my last dollar this morning, I had no health insurance and that I was crumbling. 

At a time where I could have been turned away, kicked in the teeth and ignored, they said okay. 

A stranger gave me almost an hour of their time, talked to me, offered me every piece of advice they could and stopped me from crying. 

Today has taught me that if there’s anything left in the world to be grateful for, I am grateful for them. I am grateful for my boyfriend. I am so unbelievably grateful that I feel like I’m going to cry again so with that being said, I need to end this blog here and breathe. 

Posted in 2017, anger, blog, blog topics, employment, frustration, life, moods, post a day, thoughts, writing

Barriers.

So, I know I’m only 22 but I feel like I’ve reached a trial and error point in my life. Everything I do and every job I get I don’t feel happy. I don’t feel like it’s what I want and I want to leave. To put it in perspective this is my 3rd day working for this company and those are the thoughts I’m having. 

Granted I’ve only quit quickly once before this and then ended up having a mental breakdown but I don’t want to do it again. I don’t want to feel like a failure for the 2nd time in barely a month. 

BUT with that being said I also don’t want to feel stuck and unhappy anymore. 

———

Now, this post started as a sob story but it turned into somewhat of a success story because thankfully my boss could see the “I quit” splattered across my face and pulled me aside. 

She sat and talked to me for about 10 or so minutes, I can’t honestly remember what she said but I think the fact that someone actually cared and was willing to use their time to help me get through mine. 

So now, the time when I thought I would be bawling in my car, I am calm. I still feel unsure but not to the point of making rash decisions. 

Which in all honesty is better then nothing. 

Posted in 2017, blog, blog topics, Christmas music, clueless, funny, humor, post a day, snow, thoughts, winter

Winter Wonderland. 

Snowflakes fall, are you watching?

In the lane, shit is falling. 

A terrible sight, we’re crappy tonight…slipping in a winter “wonderland.”

Gone away is the sunshine, here to stay, is the white skies. 

We’re screaming “God no!” As we go along. Slipping in a winter “wonderland.”

In the meadow we can build a bonfire, we pretend it’s really summer time. 

We’ll ask him if it’s over, he’ll say no man.

But you can do the job, if you can plow.

Later on, well consipire.

As we freeze by the fire.

To face so afraid, 

The plans that we’ve made.

Slipping in a winter “wonderland.”

Posted in 2017, advice, blog, blog topics, health, life, moods, post a day, thoughts

Anxiety in Numbers.

I know alot of people struggle with anxiety and because of that I wanted to offer some advice that works for me. 

I usually feel anxiety during every day situations. Making phone calls(odd that I’m currently working in a call center type job as of Tuesday), going into larger stores or things even as simple as getting out of my car when I arrive where ever I need to be. 

There are 3 things that I usually try to get through these situations and i hope 1 or all of these can help someone else that struggles with anxiety. 

1. Relate to Your Surroundings.

I know that most of the reason I feel anxious is because of being in a situation that I’m not used to or comfortable with. The first thing that helps me is finding something relatable in these uncomfortable situations. This can be as complicated as a person or an object or as simple as a color or shape. 

For instance, you walk into a new place and the first thing you see is a clock, if you can relate to it, focus on it. Or if someone speaks like a friend or relative, focus on them/talk to them. Look for anything that would make you more comfortable. 

2. Comfort in Numbers. 

The next thing that works for me is counting on my fingers. You don’t have to be obvious about this and hold your hand up and count your fingers out loud but it still makes a difference. Hold your hand at your side and tap your thumb against your other 4 fingers keeping count up to 4. I don’t know if you’ve ever used or heard the phrase “take it 10 seconds at a time” but this is basically the same thing. It keeps your mind distracted by preoccupying your hands and head and before you know it the situation will be over or you’ll feel more calm about being in that situation. 

3. Mental Ipod. 

Sing to yourself. Simple as that. Pick your favorite song/songs and replay them in your head. Focus on the words and the music in the background. One main part of my anxiety is being too focused on what’s causing the anxiety and this clears my head without actually clearing my head. This can also be considered a relatable coping skill. 

I hope these ideas can help someone that has been reading my blogs or is a new reader. 

If you feel that there is anything I missed, advice of your own or success stories if you’ve tried any of these anxiety coping skills please feel free to comment. 
Featured image from Quotes to Inspire

Posted in blog, blog topics, book, employment, life, mistakes, post a day, short story, thoughts, writing

Rock Music and Fresh Coffee

This blog post is mostly meant as practice for me to word things properly. Any advice is welcome.

The drive to get here was all but safe. Slipping and sliding across the road as if my car was on ski’s. 

I sit in the parking lot watching people gather by the front door, puffing the wind and their ciggarettes and blending smoke and cold air. My mind is empty. No nerves, just ready. 

I exit my car, grabbing my lunch that’s tinted with frost from having my window open for most of the hour and 20 minute drive. I enter the building and I’m met with a firm hand shake and a question about the roads. 

“Let me give you a tour,” she says as hands come towards me and names are thrown into the air and fall to the floor. The only thing I feel is comfort. In a situation where I would feel out of place, unwanted and not up to the job, I am ready. 

She leads me to a training room and we exchange small talk about the art work drawn on the white board. The first person in the room is a burley man, I didn’t catch his name. He sits next to me and I attempt to start a conversation. Regardless of my comfort he meets me with my first wall. I’m still elated, I’m comfortable regardless of you. 

The next 2 hours are scattered with information and my confidence wavers slightly but in a good way. I can do this. I can do this. 

Posted in 2017, blog, blog topics, clueless, employment, health, life, mistakes, post a day, thoughts

Up All Night, Sleep All Day. 

This blog is obvious. This blog is about my being up until 8am with a restless Mind watching The Path on Hulu. 

I seemed to rationalize why I was up. First it was because of a phone conversation that got me upset. Granted I was already upset prior to that conversation. Once the clock read 3am I told myself, well, if you just stay up then maybe you can stay up long enough to get your sleeping habits back on track. Ie. Be in bed at around 9pm and wake up in the morning like a normal person. 

Contrary to this failing every other time I’ve tried I disregarded that fact. Probably lack of sleep causing delusional thinking. 

I’ve always had trouble sleeping but I did eventually get back on track. My last job was one where I had to be in bed by 11pm and up at 7am no matter what but since loosing said job it only took me 2 weeks to start sleeping until noon again. 

Soon the clock read 9am and I could feel myself falling asleep. It’s that kind of tired where you hardly even notice your eyes closing and the hand that was holding your phone falling towards your chest. I was out. 

It is now 9pm and I’ve been up for an hour. So with that being said, I apologize for my boring blog today.