Posted in anxiety, blog, depression, emotions, life, moods, post a day, suicide, thoughts, writing

Third Wave: Settled. 

I’ve said this before and meant it at the time but today…today was so hard. 

I am unemployed. Again. I’d rather not explain it but I can say I didn’t do anything wrong. I can admit that I’m not perfect but I gave it everything I could and it didn’t work out. 

Because of that, I had a mental breakdown. I screamed, I cried. I called for my boyfriend to help me and he did his best but it wasn’t helping. 

I can truly say there was a point where I looked at the river just past the guard rail on the side of the road and smiled just knowing at any point that I could jerk my wheel over and be done with everything. 

Breaking my back trying to prove myself, motivating myself to smile even when every inch of me is crumbling, giving 1000% of myself to do what I need to do even when I barely have anything to get out of bed in the morning. 

I smiled. I thought about killing myself and the only reaction that came to my mind was to smile. 

With that being said, I really can’t tell you what made me push aside my pride and anxiety and pull up to the counselors office we have in town. 

I walked in and contrary to me knowing I could care less right now, smiling at death, I asked for help. 

I explained that I had spent my last dollar this morning, I had no health insurance and that I was crumbling. 

At a time where I could have been turned away, kicked in the teeth and ignored, they said okay. 

A stranger gave me almost an hour of their time, talked to me, offered me every piece of advice they could and stopped me from crying. 

Today has taught me that if there’s anything left in the world to be grateful for, I am grateful for them. I am grateful for my boyfriend. I am so unbelievably grateful that I feel like I’m going to cry again so with that being said, I need to end this blog here and breathe. 

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Posted in blog, compassion, good vibes, happiness, life, love, moods, mountains out of mole hills, positivity, quotes, thoughts

Remaining Positive. 

Finding a light at the end of a tunnel isn’t an easy process. There are barriers, walls, mountains and even mole hills. You will never be able to wake up one day and suddenly decide that none of the problems that have burdened you for years don’t matter. 

You can’t build yourself up without being broken down a little first. 

This blog is here as a reminder that everything you have struggled with through your entire life has gotten you one step closer to the you that you are meant to be. Cliche’ I know. 

Bring on the slow claps. 

Ridicule, tears, anger, frustration and fear are all building blocks in your life. Once upon a time you were innocent, happy yes, but completely blind to what was making you happy. Any one can gather joy from a possession or an experience but to actually pull happiness from within yourself, that’s a task.

Happiness is not the absence of problems but the ability to deal with them. 

Stacey Charter Quotes

Take a look at all of the struggles you’ve faced thus far;

  • Financial trouble.
  • Family differences. 
  • Drama between friends. 
  • Relationship problems. 
  • Work stress.
  • Self esteem issues.
  • Medical issues. 

And so on. These are all the issues that everyone deals with on a daily basis. 

Now, say you’re sitting in your kitchen, looking over some recent bills. Your electric bill has doubled and you’re not sure why and to add to it your paycheck is late. 

Normally, you would get upset. Spite the electric company for charging you extra. Spite the company you work for for not getting you your check on time. 

But, when you think about it. These are miniscule problems. How many times will you have to get upset over these things before they change? 

The number is truly infinite. These small nuances will never change but rather your reaction to them will. 

Over time you will decide that although this is what’s going wrong, these are all the things that are going right. 

But, as I’ve said; there isn’t a switch you can flip. 

A good quote about this begins and ends very simply. 6 short words and hopefully you understand. 

“Reality continues to ruin my life.”

-Bill Watterson

Reality. Reality is life. Life is hard. 

There’s honestly no doubt about that BUT, even with that being said, not every situation is a crisis. 

Not every downfall is a failure. 

Not every scrape will become a scar. 

Remain positive, remain hopeful, remain strong. 

Posted in blog, dealing with loss, devastation, dog, pet, picture a day, post a day

Devastation

This post is difficult for me even now. The first thing that came to my mind was my dog, Twister. 

I remember it very clearly. I was living in Erie at the time and had just gotten back from visiting my Mom. My Mom, brother and I all knew he wasn’t doing well. He layed in one spot for the entire weekend I visited. Didn’t move, didn’t eat. The whole process was draining for everyone. More so him. 

I had just gotten home and told my ex what was going on and let him know that his lack of emotion killed me even though I understood. 

I got a call from my Mom and already knew what was coming, I answered the phone and didn’t say a word, tears already running down my cheeks. Once she said the words out loud I broke down. 

“Twister died today.” 

I remember getting up from our bed and walking away, holding as much in for as long as I could until I got to the bathroom. Closing the door, I put my back against it and slid to the floor letting every shred of emotion come out and lay at my feet. 

Some people may not understand a loss of a pet but once you give that many years to anything the only appropriate response you’ll have is to break down, I promise. 

Don’t ever think that you won’t lose someone or something. Everyday has the potential of being a “last day”.

(Photos taken by Author)